Confessions of a New Mother

1.  I don’t give a ‘hoot’ about organic.

I wish I did, I really do.  I admire the moms I see in the supermarket, dutifully selecting from the offerings in the organic aisle.  I’d like to be all dedicated like that, but therein lies some of the problem; going organic takes work and I’m just too damn lazy.  I don’t have the spirit about it to shop in three or four different markets.  Furthermore, I’m not 100% sold on the benefits of organic over everything else.  It certainly can’t hurt you, and it’s undeniably better for the earth, but for our bodies?  I don’t know.  And, lets face it, organic is expensive, sometimes really expensive.  Let me clarify; I am all about cooking with fresh food, and eating lots of veggies and fruit etc..  You will be hard pressed to find anything in my freezer, and you don’t want to get me going about High Fructose Corn Syrup, but organic this, over non-organic that?  Put it this way- if the organic pureed prunes are $1.30 and the Gerber pureed prunes are .89 cents, I’m buying the Gerber prunes.  There, I said it.

2.  Michelle Duggar is my ‘ Mommy’ idol.

You know, the lady with ’19 Kids and Counting’?  Hey, hey!  I thought we weren’t judging each other?  I can hear the gasps out there in readerland. Listen, I’m not really a religious person, and Michelle and I have next to nothing in common, I mean, do I want nineteen children?  Not as much as I want a 300lb tumor that grows hair and teeth.   That said, if you look past the floor length denim skirts and the perm, you’ll see that she is a marvel of patient, sweet, loving, mothering.  Jim-Bob too!  She never raises her voice, or loses her temper. Nineteen kids, people!  Never loses her temper and she home-schools them too!  I mean, come on, if I was home-schooling nineteen kids, I’d look like a Nick Nolte mug shot.  Every day.  Including the dirty hawaiian shirt. Say what you will about her beliefs or her life-style, but I have one ten-month old and I’m minutes away from a visit with the men in white coats.  And the organizational skills?  Are you kidding me?  If Michelle Duggar wanted to enter the workforce, she could easily run a Fortune 500 company.  The lady has skills.  And she’s just so kind and calming.  She puts a smile on my face whenever I see her.

3. I’m never going to only put my kid’s face on my Christmas cards.

I don’t care if you do.  In fact, I’m sure I’ll think its adorable.  But I am, how you say, really freakin’ vain, and if a photo card is coming from my family to yours, it’s damn well going to have my mug on it.  Luckily, my husband agrees with me on this.  We think we look really good, and we want you to think so too.  So enjoy( but not this year, because I completely forgot to have a holiday picture done.  Sorry, maybe a New Years card)!

4. I want my husband to help me more, but I metaphorically peed on the baby and marked him as my own.

I did, I have to admit it.  I’ve been a little territorial since we brought him home from the hospital.  Conversations like this one were known to happen in those early months:

Alex:  ” Do you want me to sleep with the baby tonight so you can get some sleep?”

Me: ” Who, you?  Oh sure, why not? In fact, no, I’ve got a better idea, why don’t we lay him out on the sidewalk and let the local gang handle it tonight? Great idea, honey.”

Okay, I wasn’t that bad, but its true that I didn’t exactly inspire confidence in the new dad who was already irrationally afraid of accidentally ‘ breaking’ the baby somehow.  Now, I’m dying for a little more hands on assistance, but as my husband says, I ” hijacked” the child-rearing.  Boy, that was stupid.

( drum roll)

And here it is, the big one, the mother of all confessions( pun intended)…….

5. I like the smell of my baby’s poop.

Lets be clear, I’m not picking him up butt first and holding him up to my nose like a bouquet of roses, but I find the odor……pleasant. What is wrong with me?! While my husband will recoil from our son when he needs changing as if he just shot porcupine quills at him, I’ll get a kind of happy feeling.  I’ve thought long and hard about this, and I’m thinking that it has some biological basis.  Maybe the smell of a full diaper is telling me on a primitive level that he is healthy and functioning normally?  But then, why don’t all mothers have the same reaction?  Or do they? Am I blowing the lid off of something here( oh please, oh please, I don’t want to be crazy)?  Come on ladies, you can let it out.  This is a safe place. Somebody?  Anybody?  There has to be one other mother out there that can relate.  Alright, you don’t have to admit to that, but let me hear your confessions.  Come on, you know you want to tell me………

Heather Bogolyubova

About Heather Bogolyubova

Heather Bogolyubova has an un-pronouncable last name. A Maine native, she's returned to the Pine Tree state after several years in New York. Now, she's a newlywed, has a new baby, a new job, and lots of fancy shoes she can never wear in the snow. The job: Stay-at- home mother and wife. Its hard. She's going to tell you all.