Take it from me*: How to tell if your baby is evil.

Babies are sweet and innocent.  Their hearts are filled with giggles and nursery rhymes. They don’t have an evil bone in their bodies.  Right?

Has this happened in your home?  Your sweet baby, toddles over to the coffee table, towards a stack of your ‘nice’ coffee-table books that he has been admonished against touching, many, many, many times.  He turns his soft, round face towards you, ascertains that he has your full attention and, with a glint of glee in his eyes, sweeps them all to the floor?


You are changing him into his footed p.j.’s for bedtime. He is occupied with a toy, until he feels you attempting to bend his little knee.  He drops the toy, stiffens and straightens his leg, and watches you, clearly enjoying the frustration he is causing?

Has your baby reached up in the dark, while you rocked him and lightly touched your face, then suddenly grabbed a hunk of your hair and pulled it, hard?  As hard as he can?

You are not alone.  Millions of families are dealing with the same, tragic condition that afflicts your child: T.O.E.- Toddler Onset Evil.

It’s a terrible, heartrending syndrome, but one you don’t have to face in bewilderment and fear any longer.  Here are some of the red flags to look for in your child.

Although T.O.E.  stands for Toddler Onset Evil, most of the signs can be detected during the first year of life, and even at birth.  T.O.E newborns are extremely cunning.  They will appear to be exceptionally sweet.  But are they too sweet?  Is your newborn, like, kind of sicky sweet?  In boys, this may manifest in the wearing of overly cutesy, almost girly, turn of the nineteenth century, french style clothing.  Seriously, is any normal child really this adorable?

This phase quickly ends however, and T.O.E. babies will start to reveal their true nature, again through their accoutrements.  This symptom can be hard to detect as they’re sneaky, and you have to be quick to catch them in their genuine form.

T.O.E. babies will often attempt to escape you and the world of goodness and light that you represent.  They’ll make escape attempts whenever the opportunity arises. Common escapes include the ‘overhead luggage compartment’ escape.

Evil babies will almost inevitably have a few run-ins with the law. It may be prudent to have your baby’s initials prominently displayed on his clothing, as shown below, for proper identification.  Also, make sure to keep good pictures of your child as the cops will need to compare them against the mug-shot before you will be allowed to post bail and take your baby home.

Evil T.O.E. babies are extremely adept at making you believe that you are sharing a special, intimate moment with them, but in fact they will be glowering with malevolence just out of your line of vision.

My heart really goes out to the parents of T.O.E. children, who are still struggling to find answers.  Part of the problem lies in the difficulty of distinguishing the true indicators of T.O.E. from the everyday acts of evilness in normal babies.  As I touched on last week, glowing demon eyes, for example, can be characteristic of a perfectly non-evil, normal child.  It should be noted here that crying, not sleeping well, and having a lot of diarrhea are not necessarily signs of wickedness either.  One telltale sign however, can not be ignored: Summoning the powers of darkness.  This is the hallmark of T.O.E.  If you witness this behavior in your child, seek professional help immediately.


For more information on T.O.E.  and to speak with a mother who is currently struggling to live a normal life despite the challenges of raising a T.O.E. son, please go to www. facebook.com/pages/ 630-and-a-glass-of-wine.



* A disclaimer for the humorless:  I do not actually think that my son is evil.  In fact, I’m fairly certain that he is made of sweet cinnamon butter and that he poops chocolate pudding.

Heather Bogolyubova

About Heather Bogolyubova

Heather Bogolyubova has an un-pronouncable last name. A Maine native, she's returned to the Pine Tree state after several years in New York. Now, she's a newlywed, has a new baby, a new job, and lots of fancy shoes she can never wear in the snow. The job: Stay-at- home mother and wife. Its hard. She's going to tell you all.