1. I don’t like to brag, but I totally rock the huge, swollen, naked from the waist down holding a size 4 diaper between my legs look. Naaaailed it.
2. Then the adult diapers. My water broke at 5:30am. It was the ” steady stream ” variety, if you must know.
3. At the hospital by noon, although I wasn’t contracting. Sure enough, they tried to talk me into being induced immediately despite no issues of any kind. What the flip? Something is WRONG with that. I refused. Holla!
4. Then nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing for hours. I’ve never been so desperate for intense pain to begin. The Pitocin monster was looming…
5. But the Doc was super cool. He never tried to talk me into it again and said we’d re-evaluate in the morning.
6. The mid-wife arrived in the evening. I sent HWCNBBA home around 11:00pm and planned to go to sleep.
7. Nope. Around midnight I began to suspect I was in labor, like real serious labor right off the bat. I gave up on an epidural-free almost immediately and begged for the drugs but…..
8. I started having what I can only describe as full body dry heaves. I never pushed, never even had the urge- my body went into some berserk clenching mode. There was scurrying and ” don’t push, Heather ” and me saying ” I’M not pushing, I can’t stop this!” And apologizing and blatting out these weird guttural noises when I contracted. Those suckers lifted my ass right off the bed. Intense. I was fully dilated. No epidural for me.
9. Just three of those and out he came in a rush. Pretty sure the if the Doc hadn’t been standing in position, the baby would have flew out and hit the wall. Two quick hours after the beginning of labor and there he was, stuck down at my navel by his oddly short umbilical cord.
10. That shit hurt like a MOTHERF$%^%R! Wow. Also, it came on and ended so quickly, I completely forgot to call my husband and tell him to come back! Oops. And finally,
I take the worst birth picture. My arm is not that strangely ginormous btw…